On the eve of my 48th birthday, I wanted to share a very personal story.
In recent weeks, I lost my mother. On April 3rd, she passed peacefully with her kids by her side. After many years of battling lupus and COPD, she passed quickly from pneumonia. It was a blessing as she was fiercely independent (apple didn’t fall far on this) and she would have hated giving up her home.
As some of you know, my mother and I have been estranged for 27 years.
This was not my choice but a reality I have carried deep in my heart. My mom was a wonderful mother when I was a child, teaching me the joy of working with my hands. She taught me how to cook, garden, sew, craft and decorate. We hung wallpaper when I was 7. We did electric at 15 and plumbing at 17. She was fearless with a set of tools. Most importantly, she taught me how to fix things!
In my late teens, she suffered a major emotional breakdown that hit us both hard. She changed dramatically after an emergency hysterectomy. She refused medical care for the instant menopause and things got out of control. At that same time, I was a young woman needing less mothering. It was the perfect storm. Long story short, our relationship fell apart. I tried so hard to fix it. But I couldn’t; she was tethered to her pain and could not find her path back to us in a healthy loving way.
For all of my adult life, I have hoped for a moment of reconciliation, of forgiveness. It did not come. I hoped for it, but I did not count on it. I let that go many years ago. And I am okay. With love and support of so many others, I accepted that my worth was not measured by one person’s ability to love me or not. I forgave her and it freed me.
Despite our years apart, I have deep gratitude for all the lessons my mother shared with me. It is through her I learned to mother my own kids and I think I doing a damn good job. I realized a long time ago, I can fix a lot of things but not everything. Sometimes you have to let things go, even if that means one of the most important people in your life. I don’t know if she could hear me but before she passed I told her I was sorry I couldn’t fix us and I hope she was proud of me.
I reminded her that our relationship here on earth was temporary.
Heaven is forever. I promised her I will bring my tools!
As a gift for my birthday and for your own happiness, promise me you will do all you can to “FIX” the things you need to with the people you love while you have the chance. That is a gift that keeps on giving. 😉
